10 Things I Want to Be.

Mom (left) and me (right) around the same age.
Mom (left) and me (right) around the same age.

This is to remind me I have things to work for every day.

1. A mother as strong, influential, caring, and passionate as my mom. I also want to talk to my kids about sex and mental health, and not make those taboo subjects.
2. A friend. A better friend than I have been. My mental health struggles have allowed me to be too selfish, and I want to be better. I want to give my friends the attention they deserve.
3. Healthy. I want to fill myself up with good things – more fruits and vegetables. And burn them off with workouts I enjoy – I’m forcing myself to go to barre this Wednesday. For me. Because I want to.
4. Happy. I’ve only a few times in my entire life been truly happy. I want to be happy someday.
5. In love…with myself. You don’t have the mental health struggles I’ve had if you like yourself. I’m trying to learn to like myself again.
6. Working a job I love, not just because I have to. I’m lucky that I love my job right now. I want to always love my job. I don’t want to dread Mondays or clocking in, ever.
7. Forgiving. I want to forgive the people I hold useless grudges against. More than that, I want to forgive myself. I still hate myself for things I will never be able to change, and I should not be ashamed.
8. Able to speak. I choke on words too often, and avoid conflict because I want people to like me. I want to be able to get over my anxiety, and communicate clearly with the people in my life.
9. An advocate. I try to speak with my friends very bluntly about my past with mental health. Many of them get shy about it, and some politely will ask “are you okay to talk about this?” but it is nothing I am ashamed of. I want it to be part of the conversation where it is appropriate. I want other people to know it is okay to have these feelings. Someday I’d like to do something real about it. I’d like to make a difference to someone like me someday.
10. Someone who makes people smile every day. I make a point to compliment strangers when I’m at a bar. I told one girl that I loved her hair, and we had a short conversation about it, and she was all smiles. I told another girl that I loved her outfit. They were silly comments to me, but by the way their eyes lit up, it was clear to me that I had made their day just that much better. What’s stopping me from complimenting at least one person every day? Nothing.

Bonus: Positive. I’d like to be positive.

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